Legolas' guide to bing an elf
by anime-rulez3
Summary: Finally an update! ENJOY!
1. Default Chapter

Legolas' guide to being an elf! (Or somewhere near there)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Leggy nor LOTR.Awww.  
  
Anime_rulez: All of these are written by leggy.so, don't come after me, and all of these are written as tough it is like modern times in our world in Middle Earth (minus all of the concrete jungle. :P).  
  
Legolas: Enjoy! ^____^  
  
Nov 30:Just edited the fic, if there are any more mistakes, tell me. My English is pretty horrible. Also, I will try my best not to make the elves sound too vain. But hey, it's for the humor. If you have any ideas, e-mail me. Please tell me how you bold the words for uploading.  
  
  
  
This guide is for anyone who fancies to look like me, be like me, or is trying to get someone to be like me. However, people who are as follow: 1) Hobbits (cause too short) 2) Dwarf (same as above, too cranky and too much beard) 3) Orcs (or any close relations, cause too ugly) Give up hope. If you are really desperate, A) kill yourself, B) get killed, and reincarnate. I rather you stick with choice A because if you have this problem, you may find yourself losing too much limbs to ever make a safe trip to the next life, if there is any for you.  
  
Lesson 1: Your looks  
  
To be an elf, you have to have that dead-gorgeous look. Try to look into the mirror, if you don't puke at your reflection, that's only the beginning (you have to be terribly ugly to achieve that kind of effect). However, that is only your opinion. Try what you think is your most attractive pose on the pizza guy, if he converts from being straight to a gay, wow, you have succeeded! If you don't succeed, never mind. That's why this guide is here for!  
  
To convert to being good looking, you have to be filthy rich. How then can you pay for the bills for your plastic surgery and cosmetics?  
  
To be filthy rich, you can try to kidnap the royalty. Aragorn would be a great target, or you can try Arwen. I'm sure she is able to fetch a sum, especially from the King, who is filthy rich (duh, he's the king). Or any other royalty will suffice.  
  
Firstly, before attempting to even think of touching a hair on their body, you need to get yourself acquainted at the palace. This is especially important as you have to make your escape as quickly as possible. It would even be better if you can learn a skill or two in fending off guards and the King himself (if you chose Arwen) if you were ever to be caught. Try getting to be an assistant to any wizard, they have skills that are very useful, just don't call them old man every second of their lives or you may be turned into something 'unnatural'. Better still, get close to them so that you can save the trouble of having to escape. Just drop some of those herbs that make anyone sleep into their drinks. If you can't find any, ask from Sam Gamgee of the Shire.  
  
Having reached your goal of having kidnap whoever you've chosen, hide quickly. It would be best to hide somewhere near. As they say, "the most dangerous place is the safest place" (then why hadn't the idiot guards found Frodo and Sam hiding under the boulder-like cloak when Sam had fallen in TTT when I spotted them the first time I had watched the movie). Next would be the ransom. Just name whatever sum you want. It would be best to name as much zeros as you can. When it is time to collect it, act like you are not involved and grab the money at a suited time. Do what ever you like to the hostage, it's not my problem.  
  
Now that you have been filthy rich using the idea above or any other ideas (for yugioh fans out there, you can try the Bakura Book of Threats and More! by Jessica Messenger of the Devil), you start your plastic surgery thingy. You should be able to have the look others who could only dream of (if you don't, sue the surgeon). Now, you are one step closer to becoming an elf!  
  
Note: The idea above is to be done at your own risk. Any damage to your body or your life is not our responsibility. Anyway, if you have to succumb to using such an idea, just remember to revert to being kind because you may become an orc instead by the time you reach the end of this guide. I rather you stick with the honest way of earning money, no matter how long it takes.  
  
  
  
Legolas: I'm so happy with my masterpiece.  
  
Anime_rulez: So that's how you got your looks.  
  
Legolas: Course not. All of my wonderful features are natural born!  
  
Anime_rulez: Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
  
Legolas: Review please. I will answer any questions.:P 


	2. Lesson 2

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, however, I do own the movie tickets when I go to watch the movies. :P  
  
Legolas: Welcome to the next guide!  
  
Anime_rulez: Thanks for all of your reviews. I will try my best not to make the elves sound so horrible, but for the humor, there may be slight weirdness. I'm very sorry.  
  
Legolas: Look what you have done!  
  
Anime_rulez: Sorry, don't shoot me. ^_____^;; Anyway, I've edited the first chapter. Inform me if there are any more mistakes. Also, I can't seem to be able to bold the headings, can anyone tell me how to?   
  
Lesson 2: Your attitude  
  
You all know that we elves are pretty much on the good side of things. Well, we can be nasty if we want to, but normally we tend to show our more calm and graceful side, however, how can you attain it?  
  
Firstly, I wish to warn you, if you want to be an elf, do not harbour any evil thoughts every day of your life. You may find yourself changing in an orc very soon before you can even say 'Legolas'.  
  
Now, let's get down to your attitude. Basically, if you are the one people always say 'kind', 'helpful' and 'never seen a better person in my life' in your face all the time, you can really skip this chapter. However, if you are just acting them out, then it's all the more you should continue.  
  
Right, this lesson will focus on different problems. If you or someone: has a lack of self-confidence in any aspect, e.g., height, harbour evil thoughts, is lazy especially in keeping your looks. Don't worry yet, scroll down.  
  
1) A lack of self-confidence. This is pretty much your perspective, no one can ever help you. However, you can try doing something about it. For example, if your height has been a topic of laughter, tell them in their face that they can never achieve the shortness that you have and that they have to put down their heads to talk to you, which doesn't look nice at all compared to the way you are looking up and proud.  
  
2) Harbour evil thoughts. This is hard, but if you are interested in reading this section, you do have a chance of recovery. Try strapping yourself or anyone to a chair and play Barney shows over and over again, especially the ending song "I love you, you love me, we are happy family," (Oh, the horror!) This should work, unless they are at such a high level of evilness that they are immune to this kind of stuff.  
  
3) Laziness. Gosh, you must be one of Aragorn's relations (sorry, Aragorn fans. :P). For haven's sake, please do something. Your hard earned looks are not easy to get. One way to solve this is to transfer your bedroom to a mirror room, such that every time you wake up, you have to look at yourself, this may frighten you to work harder.  
  
If whatever I've listed does not work, see a psychiatrist. If it still does not work, either A) give this up, or B) get a wizard to change you into an elf, however, this has minimal chance of succeeding for they are extremely busy, and such small trivial matters only sets them to turning you into something 'unusual'.  
  
Legolas: I'm sorry if I can't add even more problems into the guide. If you seek help, press the review button and tell me, I'll try to help.  
  
Anime_rulez: I love you, you love meeeeeee  
  
Legolas: I caught her trying to kill my pet cockroach, so, it's Barney for her! ^______^  
  
REVIEW PLEASE! 


	3. Lesson 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my life and money.  
  
Anime_rulez: I'm back from Thailand. The things there are sooooo cheap!  
  
Legolas: Have you bought what I told you to?  
  
Anime_rulez: Oh! Of course.er.. I didn't! Don't pin me on the wall with your arrows! -__-;;  
  
Legolas: Too late.face my arrows!  
  
Anime_rulez: *gets pinned on the wall*  
  
Next chapter up and now I know what it is like to have a writer's block.:P Anyway, is anybody out there willing to read my entries? Of course, you will get to edit the story and put your own ideas. ^_______________^ Email me.   
  
Lesson 3: Your manners  
  
This lesson is to teach you how to cope with the various races in Middle Earth if you ever meet them or unintentionally bump into them.  
  
1) Hobbits:  
  
If you have meet them in any of your journeys, be nice, especially if you are called to a 'Secret Council'. For once, they may be carrying a Ring of Power and you may be listed in the hall of fames (don't mind about the dwindling of elves, bah, how could I still rule in Mirkwood after the ring is destroyed). Say something spiffy, or better, follow any smart guy's words like, "You have my bow".  
  
If you bump into them, still treat them nicely (What? Do you want me sweep them aside or kill them? Oops.pretend I never said that). Or else, ignore them. But still, I must warn you that they may have a Ring of Power. :P  
  
2) Dwarves  
  
Meet them: This is tricky. Try to compose yourself so as not to spout any insults at them. If you really have to vent your anger on their insolence, take a picture of them and have it enlarged. Throw darts at the picture. Better still, call on some friends to play a game with you. Just name parts of the picture (for example, the nose) and put a number on it. Then, aim your darts at these places to score the highest. Fun, isn't it? Soon, your anger should disappear. However, some dwarves may have a sense of humour and respect. Befriend them. Having a friend outside your race can have its advantages.  
  
Bump into them: Pretty predictable. The dwarf will spout sarcasm in your face before you even speak a word. You can choose what you want to do. The best way will be to return the 'favour'. But before you do just that, work on your speech. You don't want any of them to start spreading your defeat to any other people. You know how Gimli raved on about his cousin Balin. Pretty soon, everyone will know you. You can firstly experiment on that gay pizza guy. If hearing your words makes him so ashamed that he turns back from gay to being straight, viola, you've done it.  
  
3) Orcs  
  
Meet them: Do I even have to say this? Kill them. Or if you are those "heart is so pure you would not even hurt an ant" sort, fine, use the way in lesson two. Strap him on a chair and play Barney songs to him. Don't ever go soft on him. Buy some earplugs or anything that can stop him from uttering his tortured cries. Remember, he may revert to the elf we once know.  
  
Bump into them: What is happening here? You are not supposed to bump into them! You have perfect eyesight! I don't see how you could have done that. Work on your eyesight. Anyway, if this really happens, kill it immediately or you may have to suffer the consequences. You know we can be killed.  
  
4) Men  
  
Meet them: This is your time to show off what ever you've learnt. Treat them with respect no matter how unsightly they may be (hint, hint). Of course, you still have to retain your pride.  
  
Bump into them: Great job bumping into a man! Just be careful next time. They can be awfully suspicious and if you catch them off their guard, just watch out for your neck.  
  
5) Wizards:  
  
Meet them: Give them the outmost respect you can offer. Maybe they will be kind enough to let you off to a little adventure where you can earns loads of money, or get yourself published in a top-selling book (don't mind about the 'you may be killed' part, heh, heh).  
  
Bump into them: I suggest you should work on your eyesight. Bumping into one may cause you to be turn into something 'unnatural'. Look on the bright side, at least you won't be killed.  
  
Anime_rulez: Chapter three at last!  
  
Legolas: *still staring angrily*  
  
Anime_rulez: Sorry. can you let me down?  
  
Legolas: *still staring*  
  
Anime_rulez: Review! T_T 


	4. Lesson 4

Disclaimer: It will be fat hope to wish that I own LOTR. Do you think I may get the chance if I get fatter? :P  
  
Anime_rulez: I'm back! Miss me??  
  
Legolas: You are a disgrace for not keeping to your updating schedule.  
  
Anime_rulez: I can't help it. School has returned.  
  
Legolas: Whatever.hey, did I look great fighting that Oliphaunt??  
  
Anime_rulez: Very cool. Just stop harping on it already.  
  
Legolas: Spoilsport.  
  
Finally! Another chapter updated. Sorry for the wait. School has reopened again and I doubt I may not be able to update very frequently. Forgive me please. *ducks the incoming bombs, missiles and other items hurled* Anyway, this chapter is not really finished. If you have any other ideas to add, put it in your review and I will add them. I've watched the ROTK. It was fantastic! I was kind of sad it ended. Go LOTR!   
  
Lesson 4: Your skills  
  
Many of you have wondered, "Hey, now that I've got the looks and behavior, what about those awesome elf moves?" Don't be impatient, below are some lists of skills you can pick up.  
  
Level of difficulty: Low-* Medium-** Hard-*** Extremely hard-**** Danger! -*****  
  
Bow and arrow-***  
  
Pretty much a must for any elf. Start with darts first. Remember the picture in lesson 3? That's a good thing to start on. Spend at least half the day aiming and shooting at that right place. Widen the gap between the picture and you. Don't worry that you can't aim correctly even if you are 10cm away from the picture, it just means that you are not gifted. If you can even shoot 3 meters away, time to get to the real stuff.  
  
Get your REAL bow and arrow. I don't know how you are going to do that but if you are from Mirkwood, you can ask from me. ^_^ Having gotten your equipment, start your shooting on the picture (just make sure that you stick the picture onto a tree or something. I got caught once from using my father's cupboard for practice, guess what happened. OUCH!). Repeat the game on moving objects and finally, on real life orcs or goblins.  
  
Use of knives-***  
  
Firstly, I must warn you to have a pair of protective gloves with you. I wouldn't want any complains about having nine fingers or no hands from my readers. Better still, protect yourself from head to toe and practice in an isolated place. Believe me, you wouldn't want to suddenly find lots of dead bodies around you before you even try the basics. Learn juggling. It would make this skill a whole lot easier to learn.  
  
There are two moves you may practice with your knife.  
  
1) The cowboy stunt.  
  
It is the twisting of your knife from the front to kill any enemies at the back.  
  
2) The shooting stunt. Literally throwing the knife to hit your target.  
  
Use of swords-***  
  
Since we make them (the finest), we use them. However, they are normally used in short ranged battles. But this doesn't mean that you don't practice them often. Anime_rulez: School has returned and I am not happy. Who is anyway?  
  
Legolas: Not everybody is as lazy as you.  
  
Anime_rulez: Look who's talking about laziness. You made me type all..*gets muffled*  
  
Legolas: Ahem..review please. ^___________^;;; 


End file.
